B. Troubled Marriage (female, painful/troubling)
Note: This is one of five hypothetical direction scenarios. All actual direction sessions are confidential.
During my first session with Bernice, we agreed that she would practice an Ignatian Examen each evening before going to bed. At our third session, she said that after prayerfully reviewing her notes from the Examen over the last two months, a distinctive pattern stood out: almost all of her desolations were related to her marriage, which had been troubled for many years, particularly since her two children had graduated high school and left the house almost a year ago. She and her husband rarely spent any time together. And since both were often tired at the end of the day, any interaction they did have was often tense and combative. She asked me directly: “Do you think I should get a divorce.”
A challenge for me as a director in this situation would be to bracket my personal opinion. It is ultimately not about whether or not I think she should get divorced. (An exception to this bracketing of my personal option would be the case of abuse – but, even then, it would be ideal to facilitate the directee to seek help by her own initiative.)
In responding to this situation, I would hope to keep in mind the two basic movements of awareness and response. There are many ways of discerning whether to divorce a spouse; however, since this question arose in a spiritual direction session, it seems appropriate to ask Bernice what she feels like God is calling her to do.
The Examen is a tool frequently used in discerning; indeed, it is the tool that was the impetus for the question at hand. However, it would be important to explore more deeply the experience that Bernice has found desolating in regard to her marriage. It could also be helpful to invite Bernice to do a larger Examen on her whole experience of married life, not only to discern patterns of desolation, but also to remember what has been consoling and life-giving – those times when she has felt “most loved” by her husband. This could allow her to see ways of cultivating future experiences of consolation in her marriage.
I would also want to keep in mind two other resources: Gerald May’s reflections on “addicted loving” and Kathleen Fisher’s work on “Spiritual Direction with Women.” First, in his “second freedom question,” May asks,
How free are we within our love? How free are we to be ourselves? To what extent can we play? How much is our freedom confined, restricted, perhaps even imprisoned, by our attachments to the person or thing we love? …The freedom question, then, is not whether we can do whatever we want but whether we can do what we most deeply want.[1]
In light of this insight, I would want Bernice to focus, not only on the desolating thing her husband is doing (or not doing), but also on what she most deeply wants, which may or may not directly involve her husband. There may be a deep longing that could be transformative for her and her perspective on what is consoling and desolating in her life – and perhaps even something that would end up being transformative for her husband and marriage. It is difficult to imagine what that might be in the abstract, but it could be fruitful to invite reflection on the matter.
Second, if traditional “sacrificial theology” were present, I would want to present other alternatives for Bernice other than “I have to stay in this marriage because it is my cross to bear – just like Jesus had his cross.” Based on Kathleen Fisher’s writing, I would invite Bernice to consider, “How can I best love both myself and the other person well in this situation.”[2] In general, this is a helpful question for women, who are taught to embrace the sin of self-abnegation. In particular, this question, as with May’s work, could empower Bernice to consider both what is best for her and for her husband in regard to whether they should seek a divorce.
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